Girl, He Is Not For You
By: Tracey Johnson
Ladies, forget your man! Your girls are the ones who really know you more than anyone else. Let’s face it, we tell our girls almost everything. When things are going wrong with you and your man, whom do you run to with every little detail of the fight? The first time you do the deed with your man, who gets to know if he was, um, up to par? Your girls! With all that your girls know about you, it wouldn’t be surprising that your girls know whether or not your sweetheart is Mr. Right, Mr. Right Now or Mr. Run- Away-From-Him-Right-Now.
There are certain things about you that make it easy for your girls to be able to see if your man or potential man is the one to lift you up or bring you down.
Your baggage vs. His baggage
Some women like a man with a little more experience than her. But sometimes, his experience eclipses hers so much, she’s bound to have nothing but trouble ahead. Christie, a 21-year-old New Jersey native who has never had a serious boyfriend, was shocked to find out about her one time admirer’s past.
“He kept saying he had something to tell me, but when I’d ask about what it was, he’d drop the subject. After a mysterious court date, I finally demanded he tell me everything. Turns out, not only does he have a kid he had to go to court over, but he lives with his ex-girlfriend/baby mama! My friends kept telling me the signs were all there, but I didn’t listen.”
Much like Christie’s ex-man, Miranda, 25, from Texas, speaks of her virginal friend Jalissa’s boyfriend’s unfavorable living arrangements. “This negro got like four babies and like three baby mamas. He’s living with the last baby mama and never married one of ‘em.” Jalissa stayed with him even after finding out his dirty business. Miranda knew his baggage was only a warning sign and Jalissa probably should have heeded Miranda’s advice. Not long after finding out about the baby mama drama, Jalissa learned that her man was cheating on her.
Your personality vs. His personality
Compromise is a good thing. There’s no way you’re going to get everything you want out of a relationship. You have habits that might get on his nerves just as he has habits that are bound to get on yours. And it’s true, opposites attract, but just how much of a difference in personality makes for good balance and how much makes for endless nights of arguments? Since your friends know your personality, they’d know what traits your man possesses that will compliment yours.
Deanna, 27, from New York, talks about her friend Rochelle’s relationship with a guy who was the exact opposite. “Damon was an abrasive, music industry wannabe D.J. Rochelle is a soft spoken, church girl,” says Deanna. “I wasn’t feeling how Rochelle was all of a sudden at the club every night hanging out with Damon. She was completely out of place. He never compromised for her, but she was expected to do all the things he liked.”
“Beyond that, Rochelle was goofy and loved to joke around. Damon was too serious for her. He’d always criticize her jokes and make her feel young and stupid in front of his friends. She eventually listened to us [her friends] and broke things off with him because they were just too different.”
Your life’s direction vs. His life’s direction
You’re on your way to the top. You work hard at everything you do. You’ve got a good job and goals, and you want to make something out of your life. Your boo, on the other hand, has a dead-end job and can’t think any further into the future than Sunday’s football game.
“Riley is just plain lazy,” says Elaine, 31, from Maryland of her friend Towanda’s man. “He’d rather work here and there on odd jobs and get paid ‘under the table’ than get [a job] more stable. She basically supports him.”
Differences in career goals aren’t the only issue that could prevent a relationship from working. Take Stephanie’s friend Dawn, for example. Dawn may have been a match with her ex-boyfriend, Buddy, in terms of their careers, but what they wanted in the relationship wasn’t parallel.
“Buddy was in a rush to get married and start a family. Dawn still wanted to go out, spend time with her friends and party. She wanted a casual relationship,” Stephanie says. “I’d tell her there’s no reason to continue the relationship because she can’t force herself to be ready for marriage and she can’t force him into wanting to take things slower. They fought so much about it that they finally called it quits after a year. She could have been free to mingle sooner if she listened to me.”
The bottom line is your friends know what you know. Too often, we women like the idea of being with the right man so much, even when the signs that your man is not the right one are all there, we stay with him in the hopes that he can change. Your girls, however, don’t have their minds clouded by infatuation. And they know — even if they don’t take their own advice in their relationships — a man won’t change because you want him to. So, when they tell you your man is only a speed bump on your road to your soul mate, it might be a good idea to listen — well, minus the occasional man hating homegirl.
