Why Women Hate
BY: A. DUB
Yes, I’m a HATER! It is about time I come to terms with the ugly characteristic of hate that I possess. I can’t deny it anymore. My only question is why? Why do black women and women in general, hate on each other so much? My boy-friend always told me was a hater, now I must admit; I am in full agreement with him.
After taking a road trip with some girlfriends one weekend, it became very clear that women can be some hateful and judgmental people. I could only laugh at the hours of tongue bashings thrown out to celebrities, friends, co-workers and family. After the laughter subsided I was hurt and ashamed by the lack of respect women have for each other.
This trip celebrities’ fashion was on the discussion block during the road trip. It is understood that when one becomes famous and rich his/her life is no longer their own. Private affairs and everything about them is put on the table and open to scrutiny. Almost every female that is “hot” was verbally slaughtered. Most urban fashion and style trends come from celebrities. From Beyonce to Halle Berry, there is something wrong with them all and believe it was pointed out. “Her hair is a mess”, “Her feet are too big”, “She looks hungry” or “She cannot dress”. Many men desire and lust after celebrity women knowing the chance of being with them is slim to none. Their sexual appeal to the male audience is the reason for most of their success. In a sense it seems ok to devalue the celebrity because the represents the types of women men want sexually. It isn’t weird that women spend tons of money on mimicking outfits and styles of people just criticized. Even after agreeing with a male about another woman’s attractiveness, women still tend to point out the faults. The real concern is how women think of each other that are everyday women like themselves. Why do females do that?
One theory suggests women are competitive for the purpose of obtaining mates. By devaluing the attractiveness of a same-sex rival, one’s sense of self-quality or beauty is increased. This may be true to an extent, but that doesn’t explain why happily married or involved women feel the need to devalue or judge another woman. This characteristic is not isolated to women seeking mates.
Many times it’s been said that men are competitive, but the truth is women are more competitive. By nature, women are competitive. Women have an innate drive that urges us to be the best, to own the best products and to look the best. Women usually compare their bodies from head to toe. Tactics such as scruntinization and judgment are used to make another woman inferior to oneself. Within seconds of seeing or meeting another woman, a judgment is made about her looks and/or personality. In a competition it is called “sizing up”. It’s common to see a woman turn up her nose or roll an eye to another female that poses no threat to her. The ghetto and childish statement of “she thinks she all that” comes to mind. Hate is so conditioned into some women that it is hard to for them to accept compliments from another woman. Admirations for styles or outfits often get misinterpreted. A female cannot look at another female without the thought crossing her mind “what is she looking at?” It’s possible that she likes the hairstyle or clothes one is wearing.
Nobody is perfect; that’s the basic rule of life. There is nothing anyone can do about it, but that doesn’t stop women from judging one another. Ladies speak about each other as if they are perfect and flawless. Funny thing is the public opinions and negative comments prompt celebrities to alter their bodies unnaturally. After the alteration the public still talks about them and their quest for perfection. Non– celebrity women have taken to body alteration as well. The results are shown in the number of reality shows about makeovers. There is nothing that pleases everybody. Knowing that perfection only comes in one form, and that form is God, it doesn’t answer why women are so competitive.
Not only do women judge others appearance, but also each other’s lives. Everybody has a story to tell and a woman has an opinion about it. There is a difference between wanting someone to get out of an abusive or unsafe situation and praying for another’s downfall. “I wonder who she slept with to get that”, “She’s really not that smart”, or “She only got it because…” are common statements used to knock another sista’s hustle. Any of those statements sound familiar? Career wise women face enough criticisms from men. Once sisterly hate is added to the equation, being a successful woman professionally is quite difficult. Does it matter that the sister has a master’s degree and ten years of experience or years of training? Down to women with equal positions, the competition to be the better of the group can be a vicious situation. It pains one sista to see another recognized even when it is deserved. Friend or no friend, “I deserved that more than you” mentality can exist.
It gets really tricky when a sister lands a man. Married or just friends can both be challenging relationships to maintain. “Why is he with her?”, “She don’t know how to treat him.” or “What is he thinking?” Any of these sound familiar? The majority of the time the premature opinion is based on appearance and no knowledge of the “rivals” personality. In some of these situations there is no attraction to the male, it’s just pure hate. Hate that someone appears to have some sort of happiness in their life
or the potential to be happy. There is no surprise in stories about fake friends lying on a friends’ mate to sabotage the relationship. What about the guy passed over, only to be seen with another female. Is there a reason for dislike of the other chick? Is all of the criticism necessary? He was the passed over guy, right? Unwanted until wanted by someone else.
Maybe a girl has a new friend or man in her life. “What you can’t hang out with us no more?” “You acting all different now that you’re messing with him.” “No time for old friends?” Hating! Why does it bother a woman that her friend has a man when she doesn’t? There is more to life than “hanging with the girls” and given the opportunity to hang with a man she would do the same thing. Let the lady enjoy her joy, everybody will get their turn. (A note to the newly involved, make sure you don’t neglect your girls. Balancing a man and friends can be difficult but necessary to have smooth relationships.)
The judging, the criticism, the hating…it never stops. Ladies, one hating sister to another, we need to stop! For a few minutes let me impose my opinions and thoughts on you as to why we hate. We hate for selfish reasons; to make one feel better about oneself. We hate to make current situations seem not so bad. We hate in order to keep others seeking self–worth with us; misery loves company. We hate in order to find happiness in small amounts. When it all falls down we are all looking for happiness and self-worth. I say this because if every woman looked the way she wanted to look, had the job she wanted, married the man she wanted and all of the things she personally desired her life to be, there would be no reason to hate. There would be no need to correct flaws; there would be no need to desire what another
woman has or no desire to bring someone else down.
Whether it is measured by the man on your arm, the amount of money in your bank account or the title you hold at your job; none of these things are right things to gauge life by. There is no key to happiness; the door is always open. What is your willingness to walk through it? A man can’t bring you self-worth, money can’t bring you happiness and being perceived by the world as pretty can’t make you a beautiful person. Measure everything that you seek or seek to be in the terms of God. All that women seek, all the confidence that has been stripped away from women over the years can be found in God. He made you in his image and as stated thousands of years ago, He is perfect! If He is happy with what he sees, happy with what He created then you will be happy too. Believe that and life will be a lot less hateful.
